Ask Manjot: Is it the right time for me to have a baby?
Ask Manjot is a monthly advice column by writer and therapist Manjot Mann that tackles all things womanhood, relationships, mental health and more. Submit your questions here.
Manjot, I got married a year ago. Things are amazing between me and my husband, we lived one year together prior to getting married. we healthily solve our issues arguments if we have any. We have a good understanding about our finances. All in all everything is fine. My husband is turning 31 this year and I am turning 28 my in-laws have started to Pressurize us to have a kid.
Anyways this was the time line we had decided to start planning, but I am scared. I setup my business last year and it’s going great. I feel like I will jeopardize it. Me and hubby travel alot and i feel like I will have to give up that but at the same time I want to be a mom. I think any one who is a new mom around me just complains. I am very confused.
Dear Reader,
Your question reminded me of the collective struggle the majority of married women face; when is the right time to have a baby? The tough part is we never get to answer this question for ourselves. Instead, everyone around us tells us what the “right” answer is. We are told we must have a baby when we’re young and then have a second soon after so there isn’t a big age gap. There are so many arbitrary timelines that society imposes on us but little consideration as to whether we feel ready to have a child.
You mention that you want to be a mom but you’ve also just settled into married life and have started a business (congrats!). The anxiety you feel is very normal and quite honestly if you know you want to be a mom but you need more time to enjoy your marriage, travel and build your business that’s okay. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. People are always going to have an opinion and it’s important that you set firm boundaries and articulate your needs so that you can make the best decision for yourself.
It might be helpful to think of some responses for when people try to bring up family planning such as “we haven’t made any decisions yet but thanks for asking, how are you doing?”. If you feel you want to be more direct you can also say “I’m just not comfortable discussing this at the moment”. It can be helpful to set the boundary that you don’t want to discuss the topic and then redirect the conversation back to the other person.
I realize this will be a lot more difficult with your in laws but it can be helpful if you and your husband present a united front. Can he tell his parents that you’ll start a family when you’re ready? If possible, try using the sandwich method. This is a common communication method where you say one kind thing, then articulate your need/boundary and then finish off with another kind comment. For example, “we are so excited for you to become grandparents, we’re just not ready to start a family at the moment but we cannot wait to share our happy news with you when the time comes.”
I know it won’t be easy but remember setting boundaries takes practice and over time it will become second nature.
You also mention how the new moms in your life are struggling and this has given you pause to consider if you’re ready to start this chapter. Motherhood is difficult and in the early years you’ll find a lot of women battle anxiety and depression. Being a mom is a full time job with lots of over time and it comes with a whole new identity. Remember, what your friends are going through is very normal. Ask the moms in your life how much they enjoy newborn cuddles and most of them will tell you that no feeling compares to that of having a tiny little human sleeping contently on your chest. There are plenty of difficult moments for new moms but I promise you there is lots of joy as well.
As a mom and a business owner one thing I’ve learnt is that you can and should be both. Being a mom is the best job in the world but it won’t be your entire identity. Grow your business and when you feel ready to take the leap and try for a child - go for it. Remember you don’t have to give up one thing for the other. You’ll still travel and grow in your marriage and career but different seasons of your life will call for different priorities. I believe in you.
Love always,
Manjot
